I solved breakfast and this is what it looks like.

I am a dinner person. Some people say they aren’t “breakfast people,” but I like to take that a step further because sometimes I also forget to be a “lunch person” or a “snack person” and just do most of my eating between the hours of 9 PM and 2 AM. I think this makes me what some would call an “animal.”

But sometimes on weekends, I get this itch to make breakfast. I don’t think it has much to do with hunger, but I like the process of the whole thing—the cooking, the plating, the cleaning up, the rush of pouring time and effort into something I generally regard as worthless. Afterward, it’s nice to sit around with Max and read the paper or, more accurately, not read the paper and catch up on the shows that our TV has recorded throughout the week.

The problem is that I never know what to make. Part of not being a breakfast person is that I don’t really like most breakfast foods, particularly the ones I can create myself. This includes pancakes, waffles, cereal, oatmeal, granola, yogurt, and various simple egg dishes. Give me a plate of eggs florentine at any brunch, but you can take yourself straight to hell if you think I’m about to try to make it.

But one fateful Saturday when I opened my refrigerator and surveyed the ingredients, a wave of inspiration overtook me. It was that day that I made/invented the recipe/miracle that would later come to be known simply as “delicious breakfast.” And now you can, too.

DELICIOUS BREAKFAST (serves 2-4, depending on gluttony)

2 ripe avocados
4 eggs
2 whole wheat bagels
Sriracha Sauce

Step 1: In your fridge, you will find two ripe avocados. Cut them in half and scrape out the innards into a bowl.

Depending on what else you have around, you might want to add other stuff to make this more or less like guacamole. I suggest some lime juice, some salt, some diced onion, and a whole bunch of cilantro, if you have it. I often don’t have cilantro on hand so I’ll just include as many of those ingredients as I can find and call it a day. Use your imagination. Trust your instincts. Breakfast is already the worst meal of the day so you can’t fuck it up too bad.

Aside: having a butcher block countertop is the BEST. I love it. I’ll never understand people who buy butcher block and then refuse to cut on it. That’s the fucking point. Plus, I kind of think it looks better over time, when it gets a million cut marks in it and all of a sudden your kitchen has some character and you look very dreamy and very gourmet for making all those cut marks in your countertop.

Step 2: Mash all that stuff together in a bowl with a fork. It’s OK if it’s still a little chunky. Better, actually.

Aside: buy Hass avocados. Never buy those big smooth shiny ones. You’ll say to yourself, “hey, these are half the price! Why isn’t anyone buying these large cheap avocados? Why are people so foolish with their money?” And then you will try one and you’ll understand the true meaning of evil because it will be unfolding in your mouth.

Aside-Aside: Have you heard these commercials on the radio advertising avocados from Mexico? I don’t really get how a fruit gets a radio advertisement endorsing its fabulous qualities (“it’s a great way to dress up tuna!”), but I would like to find out. Also it makes me laugh every time because WTF why are they advertising avocados on the radio? Everyone knows what an avocado is (delicious) and where you might procure one (at the grocery store, dummy).

Step 3: Fry up those eggs. The secret to a good fried egg with crispy edges is a lot of butter. You’re welcome!

Aside: I don’t think it’s possible to take an appetizing photo of eggs while they’re in the process of frying.

Steps 4-8: Toast your bagels. After toasting, spread a thick layer of your avocado mash/guacamole on top. Then slide a freshly fried egg on top, do some fancy stuff with sriracha, and serve. Eat like an open-face bagel and make a delicious mess. One is a completely sufficient, satisfying meal, but both is what you want.

Aside: the consumption of this meal is very messy so it’s a good way to test your relationships and friendships. Probably not the best thing to make if you’re still trying to woo someone, but if you’ve already finagled them into living with you and getting a bunch of dogs, go for it.

Aside-aside: last time I visited my BFF Chandler in Portland, she wanted to make me this great breakfast she invented, and it was this exact combination of ingredients, minus the sriracha. We’d both come up with it independently and both continued to make it over and over again. Are we an X-File?


69 Comments

  1. This looks awesome. It’s also all good for you (complex carbs, healthy fats, and protein). I’m going to have to try this.

    • yes!

      I have a 9-5 desk job and I detest dessert-for-breakfast, so grabbing a muffin or croissant is out of the question.

      My quickie version of this is:
      toast whole-wheat bread
      use a fork to mash about half an avocado onto your toast
      crack some pepper on top

      best breakfast ever, and totally eatable on the subway. win.

  2. I had to google sriracha, but I’m a Texan so maybe I get a pass? Looks great!

  3. That looks delicious. My daughter just recently introduced us to sriracha and my first thought was “that’d be great on eggs!” I think only cheese could improve this. Ooo, and for the meat eaters among us, bacon. Jalapeno bacon. Yes.

  4. I like this kind of occasional non-home improvement post. Do you at least drink coffee?

    • Oh, do I drink coffee.

      I used to drink a lot more, then I cut back a ton, now I’m fragile and can’t drink too much or after about noon, but yes…I love my coffee.

  5. Can’t remember the last time I laughed whilst reading a recipe. Pretty sure it never happened. Looks fabulous!

  6. Funnily enough, I’ve made this exact same breakfast before (though not necessarily for breakfast). Depending on what I have lying around, though, I’ll change things up a bit – I’ve found that using ajvar instead of avocado is just as delicious, and since I’ve moved to Germany I’ve been using various kinds of brötchen instead of bagels.

    • I’ve never heard of ajvar, but I looked it up and it sounds yummy! Wonder where I can buy it here…

      • Any grocery store that sells Turkish food should have it.

      • homemade Ajvar is so much better than store bought one though! At least my not very authentic version.

  7. YESS!! THIS SOUNDS AMAZING!

  8. I LOVE breakfast and this looks mad delish.

  9. This is pretty genius, I need to try it. Can I use Frank’s instead of Sriracha or is that blasphemy? :) Also, I loved your comments about butcher block countertops. My husband and I have this discussion constantly. His mother is the type of person who wants to keep everything perfect, and that means not using it. I knitted myself a scarf and she said “that scarf is so nice! I can’t believe you are going to wear it!” Isn’t that the point? She has a house filled with stuff in pristine condition, which is kind of awesome for us to pick through, but I grew up in a house with a ton of people and I like beautiful things that are functional and that I can use every day until they break, and then I’ll replace them. My husband and I have discussed the idea of cutting on butcher block countertops, I think it would come up if we ever get to put them in a kitchen someday.

    • Of course you can use Frank’s, you can use whatever you want!

    • On a similar note to your scarf tale, I know someone who, when you arrive, invited, at her house mid-afternoon or mid-morning says, in all seriousness, “I would have baked a cake but it would only get eaten”.

  10. Haha to the avocado ads. I also feel the same about the generic “milk” ads that highlight milk’s qualities without promoting a specific brand. You’re either going to consume that shit or you’re not and I am pretty sure everyone knows where to buy some if their heart desires. Maybe they only have those ads in Canada though?

    • I haven’t heard those milk ads here, but of course we’ve had the “Got Milk?” campaign for a longgggg time in the States. The milk industry is totally fucked up, but that’s a conversation for another day. :-)

      • Aside: I took a voiceover class from the guy whose voice says ‘Got milk?’. His name is Denny Delk. At the time I took the class (1997ish), _every_ _time_ a commercial aired, anywhere, anytime, with those two spoken words of his, his residual was $93.70. He put both his daughters through college on it.

        Thus concludes my Valuable Aside of the day (which happens to be my birthday. w00t me!).

  11. Wow, that looks yummy (and healthy)! So simple, but I’ve still never thought of it. I’m totally NOT creative in the kitchen :(

  12. Daniel, I’m a fairly new reader and I have to say this post is a bit disheartening. You hate breakfast? I thought everyone loved breakfast. I could eat it for every meal. Sunday is brunch day… it’s just the way of it. Maybe you just need a good southern breakfast.

    • Oh, I LOVE weekend brunch, don’t get me wrong! It’s just the other six days that I’d just as soon skip. I’m from Virginia originally, and I don’t know…I’m not really a grits guy, either. :-)

  13. This is one of my favorite breakfasts to make and eat. Although we call it “egg-toast” in our house which actually sounds kinda gross.

    • My boyfriend grew up only knowing what normal people call “French Toast” as “Egg Bread.” Either way, yum.

      • And I grew up calling it eggy bread. I still call it that and am on a mission to persuade others that this is the correct name…

  14. If you like fried eggs with crispy edges, definitely get a well-seasoned cast iron pan! I bet you can score one for a buck — I take that back, you’ll score one for 50 cents. And they’re almost as easy to clean as non-stick when they’re seasoned.

    • I really want a good cast iron pan! It’s stupid that I’ve never bought one, I see them all the time at thrift stores. We don’t have much space for more kitchen stuff, but I’ll try to make an exception.

      • I want to buy nice pans for you. This is the second time in two weeks that I’ve felt distressed over the fact that you don’t own heavy-bottomed pans/pots.

      • Oh Anna, you would cry if you ever had to cook in my kitchen! All my tools and pots and pans are so janky and mismatched and depressing. SOMEDAY I’ll fix that, I swear!

      • Matching aside, thrift stores are great for pots and pans. A lot of people want new, pretty, matching ones, so they get rid of really good cast iron or old Revere Ware. Honestly, seasoned cast iron is easier to clean than non-stick because after a while non-stick starts to flake off, whereas cast iron gets better with use, as long as you wipe it down with a little oil after cleaning. Plus, you can use any kind of utensil with cast iron. You should try it.

        The recipe looks tasty. Also, as for your hatred of breakfast, what about biscuits? Obviously, you like bagels, and that’s a pretty easy standard weekday pick. Or you could just have a piece of fruit.

  15. This looks yummy!

    My version of Eggs Florentine is basically this minus the avocados plus one bag of baby spinach. You pierce the bag a few times and chuck the whole thing in the microwave for one minute. It is magically steamed and ready to eat with your bagels and eggs! Nom nom nom. (PS. weekends are too short for Hollandaise sauce)

  16. Hey, if you wanna have an epiphany… try frying your egg IN your bagel. Montreal bagels have bigger holes.. it makes it easier. I don’t know if any NY bagels have actual holes, but it is sooo good. It toast the bagel in butter (while it’s in the pan) and keeps the yoke runny. Perfect breakfast. With sriracha, of course.

    • Woah. That’s some next level shit.

    • Toad in a Hole. We do that with a slice of bread with the middle torn out. Delish.

      • It’s really too bad that NY bagels – compared to Montreal Kosher Bagels, don’t have visible whole in the middle… I love NY bagels too, but on this one, they fail!

    • I remember when I first did this a few years ago – though I used a slice of bread and a small cup to cut the hole in the centre. I thought I was a genius and had just come up with the best breakfast ever! So good.

      • We do this sometimes – with the bread, rather than the bagel – its name is “eggs in a basket”, but at our house it’s called “Superhero Breakfast” because V makes it in V for Vendetta.

  17. Consider me another breakfast-hating animal. Here’s another breakfast I tolerate: Mestemacher bread or Trader Joe’s European Style Bread, toasted, but left in the toaster to get cold and somewhat stiff. Go ahead with your dead body jokes. When the bread is no longer hot/warm/capable of melting cheese, generously spread with triple creme brie. A crisp apple, preferably pink lady, is great for dessert. The temperature of the bread is critical, because there is nothing more revolting than partially melted or slightly warm cheese. It sweats.

    The shiny avocados are called Fuertes. They serve no agricultural purpose.

  18. Hard to go wrong with that combination of deliciousness! Sounds scrumptious.
    I also just have to say that I almost took a job at a PR company who had Hass Avocados from Mexico as a client. It was the strangest job interview/first day combination of my life and I can’t tell you how seriously they take those ads. Hass-Avocados-from-Mexico. It’s almost said like it’s all one word. It cracked me up that it baffles you just because to them it is srs bsns!

  19. I love Hass and allways buy the Israeli ones to imagine myself sitting at the sunny beach of Tel Aviv watching cute guys surfing while I am in grey Zurich in my office.

  20. Yum. Now this looks like the kind of breakfast I can get down with. Actually, I do like breakfast (if someone else makes it) but it’s so nice to have a savory/salty option to counteract many mornings’ worth of delicious sugary belgian waffles.

    PS: About the avocado thing–so weird! And Mexican avocados no less? I wonder if the ads will continue to run after avocado season is over, and everybody will be up-in-arms because they’re so scarce?!

    • There isn’t really an avocado season. I was watching an episode of Good Eats the other day on avocados, and apparently they don’t ripen until after you pick them, so you leave them on the tree as “storage”. Crazy, huh?

      Also, there are a number of agricultural producers that are doing the same thing – getting together as an industry and advertising. Think of “Got Milk?”, “Beef, it’s what’s for dinner.” “Pork, the other white meat.” and those ads proclaiming that high fructose corn syrup is just the same thing as regular sugar (“Your body doesn’t know the difference.”), despite the fact that it’s in a very different place on the glycemic index. I think avocados probably have the most growth potential of any of these foods, because not a lot of people in the US eat them on a daily basis.

  21. try this

  22. It’s like this, with more breakfast choreography!
    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Dreamland_(The_X-Files)

  23. for more mexican flair (to go with those mexi avocados) use Tapatio or Valentina hot sauce. Very tangy!

    • We call Tapatio “The Don”.
      My husband climbed Wheeler Peak (NM) and took a picture of a bottle at the top and sent it to the Tapatio people. They sent back free t-shirts for everyone in the photo!
      The Don is very generous.

  24. Avo McMuffin

  25. I just have to say this whole posting-a-lot-more-often thing makes me really really happy.

    And I’m sure that breakfast sandwich would make me happy as well.

    Eating it while reading a new post? -heaven.

  26. Ha, ha, ha, a bunch of dogs. Wait a minute; did you get another dog? Or another dog found you? You’re so amusing. And a bit of a chef. Your mommy will be proud (sure she is already). PS: What’s a spammer? I just click the box to allow a comment because I don’t think I’m one. Sorry, I’m old and not so hip anymore.

  27. Funny, my breakfast *every single day* is avocado toast with sliced tomato and sliced hard-boiled egg. It’s magical. (Shaun adds Sriracha to his)

    Also, we hard-boil six eggs at once so we always have them on hand. It’s awesome to have a little protein hit snack around when you feel your personality fall off a cliff from hunger.

    I look forward to trying the bagel way, although I have a difficult time with the 1 bagel = 5 slices of toast equation. They’re just so good! Who cares if they’re also all the bread in the world?

  28. Daniel, I can’t believe all this time we’ve been friends you haven’t liked breakfast, for shame! I feel like I’ve been lied to. It is my favorite meal. I love all those things that you hate especially waffles, pancakes, plus all others. I especially love coffee, in fact this is the main point of breakfast, since you really should have food with coffee or else you’ll get a stomach ache. When I buy food I never know what to cook, so I end up with only breakfast foods: bagels, english muffins, eggs, bisquick, cereal, yogurt, granola. This is literally my shopping list. Also Emily, Christina and I have also been making a very similar dish, usually we keep the avocado sliced not mashed and use toast. The end.

    • Alex, no!! I don’t hate those foods (especially coffee!), I just don’t really like making them for myself. When ACE cooks them, though…that’s a different story.

  29. 2gether. We r 1.
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    ;*

  30. oh. I’m like the anti-you: for me, every meal should really be breakfast.

    But that’s just because ‘something on toast’ is my forte. Mashed avocado, a scraping of English mustard, grating of mature cheddar and raw spinach on toasted rye mmmmm.

    Or porridge for dinner.

    (and why is everything better with sriracha?)

  31. This looks delicious. I’m totally adding this to the list-of-things-my-fiance-should-start-cooking.

    He wants to be “domestic”.

  32. I am a breakfast fan through and through. Although, more of a breakfast for dinner type as I am not really hungry when I get up. This looks delicious and I wish I could fry an egg that stayed in the general shape of a bagel. Mine always spread out unless I cut a hole in the bread or make it inside a ring of bell pepper.

    I hate being allergic to avocados. I loved everything about it from the texture, to the taste, to feeling full.

  33. And to think, I thought you guys loved it when Dad was out of town and we’d have breakfast for dinner.

  34. This sounds like heaven! Avocado, rich runny yolk, toasty bagel…I don’t currently have any avocados on hand but when I get home I’m atleast frying an egg!

  35. Oh my goodness, this looks delicious! Admittedly, I’m not a fan of guacamole or avacado, but I always think it just looks so damn good. How long does it take to retrain ones tastebuds?

    I think I’ll have at least an egg and a bagel for breakfast tomorrow. Thanks to you.

  36. I make something similar to this all the time but with avocado slices! I also like to add a slice of ham if I happen to have some. Or if you want to lunchify this, just swap out the egg for turkey, add some cream cheese (cucumbers, lettuce, tomato, hummus, whatever you like!) and voila! You have yourself a bagel sandwich.

  37. I had to comment on this because I’m going to blow your mind: okonomiyaki sauce. Please trust me and try it over eggs, in addition to or instead of the sriracha.
    My variation of this: bacon, fry egg in bacon fat, slices of avocado in toasted brioche, drizzle of okonomiyaki sauce, drizzle of sriracha. Invented this with a former roommate and it’s the best thing ever.

  38. This comment is rather late because it took me a few (wasted) months to get around to trying the recipe, but now I make this two or three times a week. Sometimes for breakfast, sometimes for lunch. It is absolutely delicious. Thank you for making breakfast awesome!

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